Musical Musings
by a-really-angry-sorceress
Summary: Hi, my name's Pied Piper...well, that's my moniker, not my real name, but you catch my drift. Member of the Central City Rogues, enemy to the Flash, the Maestro of Music...but you already know all that. You're here for the juicy bits, and you've come to the right place. Welcome to the Pied Piper's column for Picture News, Central City's favourite newspaper.
1. The Rogues

Notes: 1) Anything said in this column is not legally the responsibility of Picture News, nor does it represent the views of any of its editors or owners.

2) The Pied Piper is a disturbed, possibly mentally ill twenty year old supervillain. Nothing he writes should be taken as a sensible or lawful course of action.

3) The Pied Piper is not contractually obligated to write pieces for this paper, and, as such, updates will be sporadic and infrequent.

* * *

 **The Rogues - An Exclusive Article by the Pied Piper**

I feel like I need to at least try to get the truth out here. That's why I'm agreeing to do this stupid-ass article (and it's _totally_ not to get Mrs West-Allen off my back, because damn is she one scary reporter).

We Rogues are a family, simple as that.

Okay sure, we're not a normal family, but it's the thought (and the resisting the strong urges to kill each other) that counts.

In the beginning there was Mick and Len. As different as fire and ice, they were the two founding members of the Rogues and everyone, including them, spends a hell of a lot of time wondering how they haven't killed each other yet. Even the press don't get it, (not that the press understand anything, least of all how to write a decent article and check their facts...please don't kill me Mrs West-Allen, I didn't mean you…). So yeah, daily life between Captain Cold and Heat Wave as you civvies would know them is pretty much a permanent version of World War Three, the most frequent installment of which is who has the right to steal Mark's weather wand to make the weather colder or hotter respectively. And considering Heat Wave occasionally _spontaneously combusts_ , and Captain Cold unconsciously drops the temperature around him to _subzero_ , it's a pretty serious debate. But hey, at least the Flash provides a common source of enmity for them to team up against, and they rescue each other from prison just as readily as they'd rescue the rest of us, so I guess that proves they like each other well enough.

Wow, I can't believe I've managed to piss off three of the scariest people in Central in one paragraph alone. Two Rogues and Iris West-Allen. I'm on a roll here.

Okay, where was I. Ah right, next Rogue then. So...Mark I guess, he joined up next after all. Weather Wizard is a pretty chill guy, but once you get him mad he can really whip up a storm. That city block that got tornado-d last week? Yup, that was Mark when he couldn't find his wand. Who knew he could do the whole weather shebang without the old Elder Wand? (Well, we did, but that's beside the point). Turns out the stupid thing had just rolled under the sofa, but Flash rebuilt the whole block in about 10 minutes flat, so any with a complaint can go complain to the 'Monarch of Motion'. (Which one of you journalists comes up with all these stupid monikers anyway? The 'Scarlet Speedster', the 'Crimson Comet' and the 'Sultan of Speed'? What are you people smoking and where can I get some? Joking, don't do drugs kids.) Seriously, you're gonna give Captain Skidoo an ego boost, and let me tell you, I _personally_ know he doesn't need another one. Thank god for the Rogues taking him down a peg every so often, hey?

Speaking of Captains, let's move on to the other one in our little family, Captain Boomerang. Seriously, in our base shouting 'Captain' is a game where you see which one shows up first to murder you with their preferred weapon. And to be fair, more often than not it's our loveable Australian kangaroo. (He's so gonna kill me if he reads this. Oh well, I've probably managed to piss off every single person I've mentioned in this piece so far, but hey, I'm currently eating the last of our Easter chocolate so we're good). You see, Boomerang is ex-ASIS (that's the Aussie secret service for all the Americans who don't know the rest of the world exists), and when he's not shouting about how none of us appreciate cricket like we should, he actually moves like a bloody ninja. Seriously, one minute you're drinking the last of the beer, the next you've got a deep scratch over the back of your hand and half your hair's missing because Captain Koala just chucked a boomerang at you from the rafters. (Don't drink either kids. I know I'm only 20 and I'm a supervillain so I can't really lecture you about the law like old Greased Lightning but trust me, I've been arrested more for being Drunk and Disorderly than actually committing crimes, so don't freaking drink). I'm pretty sure he's up there right now, watching me eat all Len's chocolate and smirking wickedly, but I can't tell because if I didn't know he was 100% human I'd swear he was made of shadows.

Or part of the Bat Clan. Now there's a scary thought. He even shares their weird obsession with projectile weapons. Hmm… Conspiracy theorists, get on that.

Then there's Lisa. Lisa Lisa Lisa. The Golden Glider who could kill you just as easily as with a smile as with her ice skates. Here's a hint to anyone that fancies her: _don't_. First of all, she can _easily_ kill you herself, and without getting so much as a hair knocked out of place -because she's just that good. Plus she can do that whole creepy glowing astral projection thingy that gives even hardened criminals like Luthor the shivers. Then there's her husband the Top, who's very willing to utterly scramble the brains of anyone who upsets his wife, and is or is not a Rogue himself depending on who you ask. And finally, Captain Cold will defend his baby sister past all logic, not to mention she's practically the honorary bossy big sister to all of us, so it's really not worth it to be _that_ creepy guy on the forums. You know who you are, and I'm telling you now, _back off._

Sam just warped in through the shiny granite work surface and nearly set his hair on fire on the hob. You know you're a proper Rogue when you just shrug and hand him a beer and a shard of chocolate. That's Mirror Master I'm talking (writing?) about if you can't tell. Now Sam, Sam's pretty mellow. If the rest of the Rogues start joining Mick and Len in their perma-argument, Sam just sticks us all in the mirror dimension and won't let us out until we're all friends again. It's unconventional for sure, but it's more effective than any therapist I've ever been sent to. Damn, I haven't said anything offensive about Sam yet. Um...quit eating my pilfered chocolate you fat pig or you won't fit in your stupid orange outfit. Honestly you couldn't be more unfashionable if you tried.

Now speaking of unfashionable, there's Trickster. Yes, he's my boyfriend, and anyone who has a problem with that can have a conversation with the sharpened end of my flute. Honestly, why do you people even try to make homophobic comments to two gay/bi _supervillains_? That's actually stupider than telling Digger that cricket is a stupid sport (which it really is, sorry dude). Tricks is awesome -I know I'm biased but it's true. He's funny, smart, loud, proud, annoyingly handsome...it's almost enough to overrule his terrible taste and unerring ability to forgot dates and times. He'd tell me his terrible taste extends to having me as a boyfriend if he was here right now, and it's probably true, but we all take what we can get. If you didn't know, it was Tricks that nailed Batman himself with pink paint when Klarion (the Lord of Chaos) painted the rest of Gotham city red last year. I'm so proud.

Anyway, I'm already way over my word quota for this article, but if there's one benefit to being a classified supervillain it's that no-one's gonna dare to cut it down. At least they won't if they know what's good for them.

I'd be interested to hear what anyone thinks about what I've written. Unless you don't approve of me or anyone I've mentioned in this article.

Then you can just fuck right off.

Oops, I wasn't supposed to swear in this, was I?

Sorry.

(Not).


	2. Chill Yo Beans

**Chill Yo Beans - A Follow Up Article by the Pied Piper**

Alright guys Jesus, there are demands to being a full-time supervillain, and they definitely don't involve keeping the public happy. I know, I checked the supervillain manual. Look, I said last week on the news when Tricks and I were fighting the Baby Speedmeister that I'd try my best to write another article for today-ish, and hey, I'm writing the damn thing right now so it's not my fault if whatever journalistic-powers-that-be say there are editorial deadlines and stuff. This isn't my day job, I did the first article as a favour for Mrs West-Allen (or 'call me Iris' apparently) and now I'm continuing because you lot keep mobbing the Rogues and it's freaking the rest of the guys out.

Seriously, quit it. Cold temporarily froze three people this week for bugging him, and Cold is always the...ahem, _chilled_ one, when it comes to dealing with strangers. Normal people freak the rest of us out. Normal people squealing about blog posts and cuteness and 'Pipster' _really_ freaks the rest of us out.

Stop. Please. We let you get on with your lives when we don't do the whole 'take over the world thing' that all other supervillains do, so please let us get on with ours. Or someone's gonna end up getting killed and I really don't want that on my plate. The only thing there's room for on my plate is more Wotsits.

A lot of you have asked on the forums (yes, I went on the forums to get some ideas and I never want to go there again. Seriously guys, Kid Flash is straight, and you're all perverted) for Trickster to write a few lines but he's currently still in hiding, because he told Lisa not to 'ovary-react' when she was on her period, so yeah, he won't be talking (writing) to you guys in a while. Or ever, once Glider gets her skates on and cuts his fingers off.

So I guess you're stuck with me, huh?

Trust me, I'm enjoying this about as much as you are. I've been locked in my room until I finish this because we can't even go to the shops at the moment to refill the alcohol and sugar supplies, and it's driving the rest of the Rogues mental. Plus the Ashes are on so Digger is refusing to let anyone else watch TV, and threatening anyone who so much as whispers during the commentary with a boomerang through the eye socket, so everyone is going stir crazy with boredom on top of being sugar, alcohol _and_ caffeine deprived. It's torture. I am literally being tortured by fangirls.

Now I know how Nightwing feels.

Although I'm not going to deny that his ass is fine. What? The guy shouldn't wear skin tight spandex if he doesn't want his posterior admired in a fight. He's come to Central a few times with Speedball the Second and Red Robin Hood, and let me tell you I could barely fight I was so distracted by three beautiful spandex-clad butts. I know why the ex-Boy Blunder and the Redheaded Archer have girls practically dripping off them because phwoar, eye candy or what?

And what the frick frack is with people being concerned over me? I've seen literally thirteen articles just last week with overly nosy motherly figures presuming I'm being abused or blackmailed or, or... _exploited_ or something. I'm twenty years old people, get your collective acts together. If I'm old enough to get married, join the army and change my name, I'm old enough to be a supervillain. Not that you can really stop me because, y'know, _supervillain,_ but you don't see half as many people being concerned over, say, Fishsticks (that's Aqualad to those not in the know). And the baby heroes are actually fighting the _bad guys_ , and most of them are psychopathic madmen (and women) who won't hesitate to kill said baby heroes for a second! I mean c'mon, it's not like old Race Windu is going to kill little old me anytime soon, is it?

I honestly don't know what else to talk about. Most of my life is pretty average I guess; I teach myself in the mornings (no school for me suckers, how does that feel? Have fun with your essays and teachers and beep tests *maniacal laughter*), create gadgets and mess around with music in the afternoons and just generally watch TV, get mildly drunk and avoid getting pranked on an evening.

Aha. I know what I can talk about that's only _slightly_ incriminating.

Rogues' Poker Night.

Or can I? Hold on, I'm just gonna go check with Len.

I just realised you guys don't have to wait for me to continue typing because this isn't live. Huh. Nevermind. Len says I can tell you all considering the whole of Central City and most of Keystone knows exactly what happens on the first and third Fridays of every month, mainly because of the series of incidents we cause and the amount of times we get arrested for being Drunk and Disorderly. Actually, no. Mainly because of that time Tricks and I didn't get drunk enough and managed to hack into the city newsfeeds and started broadcasting...well, you all saw it. It was embarrassing enough the first time around, I don't really want to describe it again. (How did you all think I'd met call-me-Iris anyway? I mean there was that time when I awkwardly saved her from that burning helicopter but stuff like that doesn't really invite conversation...now her hunting us down and upbraiding us for broadcasting over the top of her, that was another matter altogether...especially because it ended with old Quickstep showing up and call-me-Iris pelting Tricks over the head with her phone. He had to get stitches and they ended up wonky because Digger was laughing too hard to sew them properly).

So yeah, Poker Night. There's only so much you can do with the entire contents of Central City Bank after all, so in the end we kind of just ended up...gambling it. But we don't do casinos, because then all the money just ends up with the mob and we've had enough of an issue keeping them out of the city as it is. No, it's much funnier to throw your money at the rest of your family and laugh as they fall out of their chair, absolutely drunk off their faces with a Sharpie moustache a piece.

(If I say 'don't drink kids' one more time I'm gonna sound like a broken record, or worse, a goody two shoes hero, so I'm not going to, but seriously, you get the picture).

Merde, I'm late.

Late for what?

Watch the news.

Piper out.


	3. So Mad Right Now

**So Mad Right Now - A Continuation of the Very Popular Series by the Pied Piper**

So congrats on realising that last month's article ended with me helping rob the local museum of that very nice giant diamond. It's currently being used as a soccer ball in the living room by the sounds of it. You're all genii. Wow. I'm so impressed you know how to switch on the TV and watch the news.

Sorry, that was a bit harsh. I'm just _-ouch-_ pissed off right now.

Tricks is reading over my shoulder and he says I _-ouch-_ don't need to include the 'ouch's', but I'm going to include them anyway for effect. Because I'm in pain and it bleeding hurts and _-ouch_!- Trickster you ass that was on purpose.

He's laughing now. He thinks he's _so_ funny. But I'll get my revenge later.

He says I can try.

I promise you Tricks, I _will_.

Anyway, back to why I'm so mad. Scratch mad, I'm furious. I'm crosser than Batman when the Brotherhood of Avoiding Death-by-Batman (yes, that's actually what the Lord of the Ring, Legolas and Speedy Gonzales call themselves...no I'm not making that up...no I can't use their real superhero names either, work it out or live in ignorance you _-ouch_!- alright I'm continuing, Jesus) start up three weeks before April Fools Day for 'practice'.

So, the story. The Rogues were in Gotham (minus Golden Glider and Top who were on their third honeymoon this year; honestly, we're starting to think they only commit crimes for old time's sake at this point) for reasons that will remain unspecified and which you definitely won't be reading about in the papers. A few things happened, which will _definitely_ be going unmentioned, and somehow the lot of us wound up in a pitch black warehouse.

The lights flicked on.

It was not an ordinary warehouse.

Then again they never are in Gotham, but it was even less ordinary than usual.

Because it was green. And alive.

Tricks says I'm being melodramatic and that it was the plants everywhere that were alive and green, and not the warehouse.

I say Tricks needs to shut up _-ouch-_ because he didn't see anything for more than half a second before Poison Ivy herself nailed him with those sparkly gold pheromones. I've never had reason to hate anything that was sparkly and gold before, mainly because sparkly and gold usually means I'm about to get very rich, but boy did I learn a lesson today.

It was a trap, I would learn afterwards, designed to wrap the Dumbass Duo up in Ivy's crazy will. Which was stupid because everyone knows Rodent Man and Bird Boy have a thing for jumping through skylights, but I'm not here to diss Big Green's trap.

Because it worked, didn't it?

One faceful of the sparkly gold stuff and boom, everyone was drooling over Ivy even more than normal, like a bunch of complete and utter civilian idiots, weapons totally forgotten at their sides.

Except me. Because I'm gay. Like, 100% homo. Professional gaysexual. Strictly into dick. Bent as a diamond-studded rainbow.

And as such, I have no attraction to Poison Ivy (it sounds weird when I put it like that, because no one has an attraction to poison ivy, but it's nearly obligatory to have one to Poison Ivy. Shows what difference capital letters make I guess), so her crazy plant science doesn't work on me. Trickster is bi, so he kind of got bamboozled with the rest of the Rogues who are all _painfully_ straight.

Picture this. The Vined Vixen herself steps out of this massive red flower, the petals gently lowering her to the ground as she sashays towards us, grinning wickedly. All the guys stand there looking even more stupid than usual which should be scientifically impossible but - _ouch_ \- alright okay _fine_ , you looked just as attractive as always Tricks. Anyway, so the Lady of Leaves stalks over, and starts trailing manicured fingers over everyone's chests like they're cattle she's bought at the market. And then she reaches me. Our eyes meet. Hers narrow in realisation. I do an awkward little wave (what else was I supposed to do? Give me a break).

"You're not wearing a filtration mask," she purred, and you wouldn't think green skin would match with red lipstick and ginger hair but Ivy pulled it off like a _queen_ , "why haven't you fallen under my spell like the rest of your useless male companions?"

"Um, I'm hella gay?" In hindsight, that wasn't the smoothest response ever to leave my lips, but in my defence she was very, _very_ close to my face with her poison lipsticked lips, and crazy-ass Gotham villains give me the creeps to start with.

"Well, that's a shame." She stepped back slowly, green dress just barely covering her unmentionables which I _really_ didn't want to see even if I didn't exactly have much of a choice in that situation because oh boy was she intent on showing off her assets."You're actually not that bad to look at, and I approve of the organic hair dye, very eco-friendly. Nevertheless, I'm going to have to kill you now."

And with a wave of her hand do you know what happens. You don't, so I'll bloody tell you what happened.

The biggest goddamn Venus flytrap you've ever seen looms out of the mist, a modified deadly weapon with razor sharp spines for teeth, and bites me in the ass.

I kid you not. That's what all the 'ouch's' have been for; my boyfriend is currently pulling said spines out of my ass. He might be putting something else in my ass later as well, which will be much more enjoyable for everyone involved. ( _ **IW: This is a family newspaper Mr Piper, please keep intimate details out of it. Not censoring your swearing is annoying enough as it is, but I refuse to include anything of a sexual nature in my column. Thank you**_.) Being bit in the butt hurt just as much as you'd think too.

Thankfully I managed to play the Rogues out of their plant-induced stupor with some hasty ultrasonics before I got eaten alive by the Plantosarous Rex, but it was a much closer call than I would've liked.

I had Mick burn down the bastard things in revenge while Sam dragged Ivy through the mirror dimension and into the cell she shares with the Clown Princess at Arkham Asylum. Who says revenge is always best served cold anyway? Sometimes revenge is much better when it's _smoking_ and on _fire_ and making people _scream_...

- _ouch_!-

Tricks says I got a bit dark there. Sorry about that guys -I'm just really, really mad.

I think I'm going to go rob a bank without a plan later, just so I can take out my annoyance on the Speedmeisters when they show up to stop me. I've had a particularly wicked tune lined up for a while.

I just hope the news gets there in time, because this is going to be epic.


	4. A Continuation of the Pied Piper Series

**A Continuation of the Pied Piper Series, Not Actually Written by the Pied Piper.**

Hello. As you can probably tell from the title, I'm not the Pied Piper.

I'm not anyone particularly interesting either unfortunately, just a policeman at the local precinct. I'm not going to put my name, that's going a bit far even if we are all pretty resigned to the Rogues escaping before getting sent to prison at this point. What, can you blame us? You catch one supervillain and another just shows up to rescue them! Drives everyone mental in the beginning, but you soon get used to it. Cheeky buggers even buy us Christmas presents. We try to return them, but they just start turning up in our houses, which to be honest is a bit scary, so at that point we just leave it.

We don't even know how they escape at this point. If we ask, the Rogues all get the giggles and start chuckling about 'brainwave-controlled escape boomerangs'. The most coherent explanation we've ever gotten was something about Captain Boomerang getting very _very_ drunk, and thinking he could make brainwave-controlled boomerangs and then plant them in every prison in the state so he could escape by himself, using, because I feel like I should reiterate this again, _brainwave-controlled escape boomerangs_.

Knowing the Rogues, I wouldn't be surprised if he had succeeded.

God, I can't believe I'm actually writing this. My wife reads this column in the paper, and both my kids follow this thing avidly on line. They aren't going to believe this when I get home and tell them what I did at work today. But then again, what else was I supposed to do when we were arresting the Pied Piper, and he hands me his laptop with a grin and tells me to write 1000 words in order to, and I quote, "spice this bitch up." Refuse? As if; the Rogues' revenge is just as crazy as their odd sense of honour, and I do _not_ want to end up on the wrong side of it.

Sorry Flash.

I honestly don't know what to write about. I'm sat at my desk right now...I might go and ask the Pied Piper himself for some ideas. Hold on while I go to the cells (I don't really want him coming to my desk anyway to retrieve his laptop when he escapes, he might knock over my paperwork and then Sarge would kill me). Just gonna finish my coffee...

I'm going down now.

Piper just keeps winking at me. This is scary. Why is he winking. Why.

I'm just going to describe him. I just put the idea to him, and he ceased winking long enough to nod encouragingly, so I'm going to go for that.

He's 20. God, my oldest is his age. That's just scary. Still, I know first hand that he can look after himself in a way that most other 20 year olds never could, so I guess there's not much need to worry about him. Especially not when he's got the rest of the Rogues at his back. Woe betide anyone who well and truly pisses them off.

He's pretty short actually. I know he's only a kid still but...I don't know, I guess people always think supervillains are taller than they actually are. 5'7" maybe? And at least a few inches of that is his hair. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what the Pied Piper's hair looks like, but just in case anyone not from Central is reading this, I'll tell you anyway.

It's a rainbow. Literally. All the colours of the rainbow, each one of them bright and just as eye-popping as the last. It's...noticeable, that's for sure. Though I do approve of the statement. (What, not all old people are homophobic, even the straight ones. Piper, if you read this: carry on just the way you are. Except the crimes. It would be nice if you stopped those. Just saying).

Apart from that, well, we didn't _really_ catch him doing anything particularly villainous today. Except for lurking suspiciously. I'm pretty sure that counts as some kind of crime.

I digress, what I'm saying is he's not wearing the usual supersuit (is it a supersuit when it belongs to a villain?), which comprises of the green cloak, the black bodysuit and the green domino mask. He's still wearing the mask, but the rest of the outfit could pass as a normal teenager. Skinny jeans, a green hoodie, green Converses. Wow, he really has a thing for green.

Aw. He says he just used to like the colour but now it reminds him of his boyfriend's eyes. That's really damn cute.

He's glowering. Why is glowering 10 times scary when the sender is wearing a mask? Maybe I shouldn't call a supervillain cute? Why am I reading this aloud as I write? I meant cute as in a 'aw young love' way, you're still a _very_ menacing supervillain Piper. Honest.

He's stopped glaring. Thank god for that. I thought I wasn't going to make it home tonight for a couple seconds there.

So anyway...what on earth is that sound? It sounds like tyfghcvbjgfh

Otdotsztcyc

Sorry about that dearest readers. Yep, it's me again, good old Pied Piper. Our policeman friend is fine, just a bit...unconscious. Oh c'mon. While I do look hot in handcuffs, dinner first please. Otherwise, I just have to break out.

Hold on, I just need to shut the laptop so I can escape properly...

...right, I'm back home now, got off scotch free. I can't believe I got arrested for lurking. I mean technically it was because of the 65 arrest warrants out for me (I'm holding a party when I get to 69 arrest warrants...a very specific type of party _**(IW: Again with the sexual references Piper. Quit it. Or we will be having words.)**_ which will be a lot of fun), but my point still stands. Lurking, honestly. Some people.

You might be wondering how I escaped. Well some people would say a good magician never reveals his tricks, but I'm cooler than that. I'm actually happy to tell you.

A brainwave-controlled escape boomerang.

*hysterical laughter*

Sorry, but that one just never gets old.

With thanks to my friend the cool policeman, Piper out.


	5. Why the Only Hero in Central is Flash

**Why the Only Hero in Central is the Fast Bastard by the Pied Piper  
**  
So quite a few people have probably wondered over the years why you almost never see heroes other than the Speed Idiots in Central City and Keystone. I mean it's not like Captain Skidoo purposely keeps other heroes out of his city like the Caped Crankypants does with Gotham, because hey, when it really comes down to it old Skidoo is actually a nice guy. So why isn't Central superhero central? (Please excuse the word play, I'm concussed and I couldn't think of anything better). Well, as a Rogue, I'm in a privileged position to tell you.

For the purposes of this article I will be using the heroes' actual codenames. No it will not continue. It's just because my head hurts too much to come up with any good ones and there's too many of the bastards anyway.

Superman, well. After Tricks discovered pink Kryptonite he hasn't been within 50 miles of the Gem Cities since. It wasn't our fault, we didn't realise pink Kryptonite would have any different effect on Superman than normal green Kryptonite. Boy was that one hell of a miscalculation. A funny-as-hell miscalculation and one hell of a life experience, but a miscalculation all the same. In the end we mailed the hunk of glowing pink rock back to him, because that was too much blackmail power for us to handle. And you won't _ever_ see any other supervillains saying that. Though we did take blackmail photos. And those, we kept.

We punned Batman out of town. Literally. Flash helped. Best. Day. Ever. I have never witnessed one man get more annoyed by simple puns in my life, and between Flash's 'speed' puns and Cold's 'chill out' jokes, I've gotten pretty annoyed on certain occasions myself. But Batman took annoyance to a whole new level. None of us have seen him since. None of us really want to.

Wonder Woman...we didn't put up enough of a fight apparently. I think she's more used to the 'proper' fights she gets with the JLA. For Christ's sake people, she fights the Greek Gods! And as awesome as the Rogues are, we aren't Greek Gods; we aren't going to survive being smashed in the face by an Amazonian princess. Also we cheat. A lot. She didn't appreciate that.

With Aquaman we pretended he didn't exist until he went back home to the ocean in a huff. We've never seen him since, but about a week afterwards Mark was in a restaurant and a lobster jumped out of its tank and bit him on the butt. He fried it with lightning, but now we know Aquaman's holding a grudge. We're _so_ scared. Joking. Fight me fishboy. Central is practically in the dead centre of the country, I'd like to see you get your shark buddies over here.

We dropped yellow paint bombs on the Lanterns the first time both of them showed up. That embarrassed them out of the city pretty quickly. The smarter one never came back, and I'm kind of glad, because that guy was the mildly intimidating one. Hell, even Guy Gardner knows not to come to Central for fear of death-by-pranking. The first one though, Hal I think he's called, either thinks he's exempt because he's BFFs with Flash, or he got brain damage from the first time Trickster dropped a yellow porsche on him (Tricks really has a thing for yellow porsches. I don't know why. He can't even _drive_ ). We've created this gun that shoots yellow post-it notes for the next time he shows up. GL, you have been warned.

We just insulted Green Arrow's stupid moustache and goatee on repeat until he gave up and left. I mean c'mon, have you seen that thing? It looks like some extremely over-styled gerbil has been taped to his face and painted yellow. Red Arrow joined in with teasing him. Thanks dude. I can't even deal with moustaches in the first place, that's how stupid they look. Mick goes one better - he threatens to burn them off. As you can probably tell, Movember doesn't really happen in Central City.

Black Canary and I basically have an ultrasonics feud going on. We stay out of each other's way. She has the whole canary-cry going on, I've got my flute and various other sound-based surprises. We got into a fight once. Never, _ever_ again. I think Star City still has several buildings without windows.

Martian Manhunter doesn't like fire. Mick loves fire. Case in point.

Hawkwoman...okay, she has that mace swing down, I'll admit it. The three ribs she broke when we fought still creak sometimes when I get out of bed on a morning. We got her back though, and the Rogues were pretty harsh, even for us. Ever heard of 'tarring and feathering'? Well she already brought the feathers...

Red Arrow is repelled by the 'no angsting' forcefield around the city nowadays. Can't get anywhere near.

The rest of the Batclan hates the fact there are no shadows for them to hid in here in Central. This place is so happy clappy I think it generates its own light source to banish the shadows. Also their spandex-clad butts are all so very fine, but I don't think they're used to comments like that. Tricks and I got so beaten up by them, but it was _so_ worth it. Then Boomerang got into a massive boomerang vs bat-a-rang war with the lot of them. The city has never seen so much evil cackling. Or so many pointy weapons.

Kid Moron tells the rest of the heroes horror stories about the Rogues, so as of yet, none of the rest of them have dared to cross the city borders. Love you KF.

Fortunately for you, not in a gay way.


	6. Saving the World

**Saving the World via Viral Video by the Pied Piper**

You all saw what happened. It was, if I do say so myself, pretty damn epic. And it was, by popular vote, the best way the world has ever been saved (suck on that Justice League).

It started on Saturday, the day after Poker Night, so we were all as hungover as is humanly possible, sprawled all over the living room with beer down our fronts, Doritos in our hair and poker chips were you do not want poker chips to be. Mark was missing an eyebrow, Sam had a feather boa around his neck and Tricks was drooling all over the karaoke machine. All in all, it was a pretty normal Saturday morning.

And then the phone rang.

Anyone that really knows the Rogues knows not to bother calling us before 12pm. Surmising that it wasn't Lisa or Roscoe, and that the rest of the Rogues were all in the room, I quickly decided I didn't give a fuck who it was and rolled over to go back to sleep.

But. It. Just. Wouldn't. Stop. Ringing.

Having superhearing is great, it really is. Being able to hear the Flash coming has got me out of a hell of a lot of jams, not to mention how much it helps when you can hear people trying to steal your food from the other side of the house (looking at you Mick). But it was a real pain in the ass when the Macarena was drilling it's way into my skull.

I rolled off the couch and dragged myself across the room, staggering drunkenly to and fro, before picking up the receiver and grounding out " 'ot d'you wan'?"

"Oh my god, guys I think the aliens have got the Rogues already! Why didn't I think to warn them earlier, Captain Cold is going to kill me from the afterlife!" Flash, I mean Race Windu, yelled in my ear, sheer panic and exhaustion evident in his voice.

Now that actually woke me up. "What? Nah Quickstep it's me, Piper, your unfriendly neighbourhood musician. I'm just hungover as fuck. Now, what was that about aliens?"

"Piper? Oh thank god." The way old Greased Lightning didn't even mention my illegal underage drinking was what really let me know that this was a serious situation. "Listen carefully, okay? There's an alien invasion going on right now, they're currently trying to destroy most major cities in order to crush the majority of the population and reduce moral. No, I have no idea what their logic is either, but that's how Bats is calling it, so I'm rolling with it. I've been in Eastern Europe all night with Fate trying to hold them off, but it's all hands on deck so I can't zip back to protect Central if they start landing there. I need you to wake up the rest of the Rogues and get ready to defend the city."

I groaned, because honestly, an alien invasion? What is this, the 90s? Can't they just go and creep around Area 51 with the Feds like the good old days? "We might take a look."

" _Might_? Piper that's not good enough-"

"Alright," I snapped, "I'm gonna let that go because it sounds like you're about in the same shitty state as I am, but you _do not_ issue orders to us. If you want to bark at someone, call up your Kid Clone. And we _might_ help, if we can be bothered to get our hungover asses outside and find our weapons, but that's a big freaking _might_. But if I were you, I wouldn't hold your breath." And then, with enough force to crack the phone's casing, I slammed it back into its holder with a scowl and a two-fingered salute. (Yeah, I know the Fast Bastard couldn't see it, but it was the drunken, peeved thought that counted).

Now here's a question: how do you wake up a room full of comatose supervillains without getting killed in six different ways at once?

Answer: stand _very_ far away and make a _very_ loud noise.

The first couple bars of AC/DC's Back in Black on the electric guitar from across the corridor did the job, as I could quickly hear the groaning, cursing and firing up of numerous deadly weapons that always occurs when someone wakes up the Rogues before we want to be woken up. "Guys, don't kill me, there's a serious situation outside and-"

"Unless the world is ending I'm gonna roast you alive pipsqueak-"

"Well it kind of is." I reentered the room with a unapologetic grin, dodging a small thunder cloud (because apparently we live in Mario Kart) as I went. "Flash called, said there's an alien invasion going on, and that he's out of town."

A resounding groan of annoyance whipped around the room. "Goddamn hero can't do his own goddamn job, gotta get his goddamn villains to do it for him."

"Yeah, I let him know that we weren't impressed, but what can you do?"

Len took over the situation immediately, standing up and crossing his arms in his 'I am in charge now sit up and pay attention' pose. "Right, someone get on the communication-line-for-when-the-JLA-fucks-up-so-bad-they-need-villains-to-save-the-planet-for-them and find out what these aliens look like, and how we can kick their extraterrestrial asses. I'm gonna go brew about twelve litres of coffee. Everyone else, I want you suited and booted in the next ten seconds. Go."

***Ten seconds later***

"Right, Trickster, tell us what you got."

"Okay, here we go." While hopping around the room on one foot like a possessed kangaroo, our very own mischief-maker told us what was going on. "The Doofus League are holding out alright, but I think Team Earth is really freaking outnumbered out there. Luthor's out blowing holes in their ships, Klarion is running around screaming something about how the Universe hates him, and even Poison Ivy's out ripping the aliens limb from limb." Given my recent experience with the Lady of Leaves, I almost felt sorry for the aliens attempting to invade Gotham of all places. They must've drawn the _really_ short straw to get sent to that hellhole. "So basically it's socially acceptable for us to get out there and kick some ass. There's nothing yet on weaknesses...oh hold on...I think that was Canary from Melbourne. She was saying that her sonic scream seemed to really upset them. Hmm...yeah, I think...Nightwing's backing her up. Says any loud noise sends them running screaming."

I grinned wickedly as every Rogue in the room turned to me expectantly. "Maestro of Music, at your service. And for once, I actually have a plan. Now here's what we're gonna do..."

***15 minutes later***

I was nervous. I'm never nervous. But then again, I'd never attempted something this hilariously outrageous before. "Tricks, you done yet?"

"You're just lucky the Bat is getting his ass handed to him in downtown Gotham or I'd never get this much control over the world's speaker systems." I could almost hear Trickster's eye rolling through the comms. "You'll be fine sweetheart, stop stressing. And I've taken over as many security cameras as I can so we can laugh at the Justice Losers' reactions together later."

"Sam, is everything in place?"

"I'm just...yup, okay, we're ready to go. There's a system in place on the tallest building in every city. I had a close call in Metropolis with Big Blue, but he was too busy shooting lasers out of his ass to properly notice me." Mirror Master, hardened supervillain and proven genius, began to giggle excitedly. "This is gonna be hilarious!"

"Len, how's the field looking?"

"We've got a big fucker hovering over uptown, but that's all it's doing so far. I've sent the rest of the morons to go take up defensive positions; Digger was moaning something chronic about the sunshine. Thank god for sunglasses right?" He paused, obviously waiting for me to reply with some pithy comment, but when none were forthcoming he sighed in what I assume was fond exasperation. "Chin up Piper. Think of Flash's expression when you show up on every screen on the planet: it's gonna be well worth whatever you're stressing about now. Just pretend you're singing in the shower like you do _very loudly_ at home."

"Okay, here we go everyone." There was a muted beep as the comms switched off so everyone could focus on their jobs. "I can do this." I murmured under my breath, hands trembling with nerves. "I can do this. I can _do_ this. 3...2...1..."

The world seemed to stand still as the opening beats of the song blasted out from every speaker in Central City, people turning to look at the sky, the streets and each other with confused expressions. Across from my position on top of City Bank, I watched as Main Square began to fill up with people, swarming out of buildings and from the subway like a cloud of ants, all staring up at the Jumbotron like they were waiting for the Messiah to descend. The screen started to flash up pictures from all over the world, people of every race, creed and nationality glancing around with identical nervous, intrigued, this-isn't-what-I-think-it-is-right? expressions.

It was definitely what they thought it was.

The aliens were in a panic. You could see them freaking out and running back and forth like headless chickens in the background of shots of horrified/terrified/face-palming superheroes. The last one was Flash, who seemed to immediately realise what was going on, and simply buried his face in his hands.

And then there was no time left to think about the rest of the world. Because it was time to sing.

"As he came into the window  
It was the sound of a crescendo  
He came into her apartment  
He left the bloodstains on the carpet  
She ran underneath the table  
He could see she was unable  
So she ran into the bedroom  
She was struck down, it was her doom."

My face bloomed into larger than life technicolor on the big screen, my voice booming all over the world. I had a fleeting vain moment of admiring my hair, and a slightly horrified one of 'is my butt really that big?', but I didn't really have time for indulge in narcissistic tendencies. Down in the square people began to turn and point up at me, realising where I was from the worldwide 'viral' video (in the truest use of the term). I waved as I slid into a moonwalk, and the screen showed people all over the world waving back. It was amazing. Suddenly, it was no longer about the aliens, of whom short clips were occasionally laid over the main video as they attempted to both fight and run screaming at once. Nor was it about annoying the Justice League, even if the constipated looks of the Batclan were pretty hilarious. It was about the music, and the world that was dancing along to it.

"Planet, are you okay?

So, Planet, are you okay?

Are you okay Planet?

Heroes, are you okay?

So, heroes, are you okay?

Are you okay heroes?

Villains, are you okay?

So, villains, are you okay?

Are you okay villains?

You've been hit by

You've been struck by

 _ **A smooth criminal.**_ "

Understanding dawned on the few faces that didn't seem to recognise the song in the first place at that last line. I watched with an unquashable grin as Green Lantern started laughing so hard he crashed into a building, as the rest of the hungover Rogues rolled their eyes behind huge sunglasses and continued firing at the aliens as they fled, as Kid Flash took up the moonwalk in time with the rest of Warsaw. I winked pointedly at the horrified face of the President as his security dashed around him like headless chickens, as Vandal Savage sighed in sheer exasperation, as Klarion rolled his eyes so hard they fell out of his head. I watched as down below the people of Central took up a massive Mexican wave, as Black Canary mouthed 'well played Piper' at the nearest camera from Melbourne, as the Rogues of Central City singlehandedly saved the _entire freaking planet_ from a hostile extraterrestrial takeover.

People, all over the world, civilians and soldiers and superheroes alike, dancing. To my music.

Honestly, it was almost enough to make me retire on the spot. This, this was a life I could live with.

Until I got the supervillain thoughts again.

Because I could've hypnotised the entire world right then. Pulled out my flute, played a tune, and boom, instant world takeover.

Aren't you glad the Rogues have a 'don't take over the world' policy? Or you lot wouldn't even have your own thoughts right now. So far, so little supervillain. I know. Saving the world, no ulterior motive...it's enough to make me sick.

I think in hindsight my ulterior motive might have been the heroes' facial expressions though. Trickster took high definition screen shots. I'm making a scrapbook.

So yeah, back to the present day. We're on the run. Shocking, right? We saved the world, but here we are, hiding out from the forces of Justice. Because 'Piper's too powerful' or whatever bullshit Supes was spewing all over the news. Did I take over the world when I had the chance? No. So leave us the fuck alone you bastards.

We won't be able to evade them forever though.

So this is the Pied Piper, telling you the truth about what happened, in case I don't get the chance again.

If we disappear, you know where we are.

Piper out.


	7. The Justice League

**The Justice League by the Pied Piper**

You know you're in trouble when the Justice League are holding a meeting entirely about you.

Hey, it's me again, and to be frank I'm surprised I'm not dead yet.

Cuz we got caught. Obviously. I'm sure you saw the fight on the news, there were at least three news helicopters hanging around way too close to the action to film it (and props the Central City one that crashed into the Big Blue Boy Scout, you guys rock). I think we held our own pretty well, but c'mon, it was _the Justice League_ , and we went on the run hungover and with minimal supplies. I'm surprised we lasted five days with the Batclan looking for us, nevermind the rest of the heroes.

Captain Boomerang nailed Green Arrow in the ass though, and he was still grinning ear to ear when they caught me and carted me off to god knows where. Heat Wave and Weather Wizard got the fire tornado going which really upset Martian Manhunter and, well, everyone else; Captain Cold froze Aquaman solid; Tricks made Batman growl by throwing exploding rubber chickens at him and Golden Glider and Top showed up just in time to take on Wonder Woman.

Do you know who got through them all to me in the end? Flash. That traitorous fucking bastard. What the hell happened to 'Centralites stick together'? I ended up petulantly kicking him in the back when he slung me over his shoulder and sped me out of the battle past a laughing Black Canary and into some kind of sound-proof cell.

And I'm still in here. No water, no food, no fresh air. It's been nine hours. In a 6-by-6 foot cube.

I am going insane.

Not Rogue insane either. Arkham Asylum insane. The kind where the next superhero I see is gonna need a new spine.

I still have my phone though, so I've had Solitaire to keep me company. But that got real old real fast, so now I'm writing this. I'll publish it when I get out of here. _If_ I get out of here.

God fucking dammit, who has a secret base without an Internet connection.

 _We do._

Who the fuck is that?

 _Who the fuck are you? Kidding, I know exactly who you are. I'm your friendly neighbourhood hacker._

You're Batclan, aren't you. Note the deep pathological hatred right there _._

 _I'm noting it, don't worry. And yeah, duh. Who else in the League is a hacker? Narrow it down._

Well you aren't Batman. Batman doesn't have a heart, and he wouldn't talk to me if his life depended on it. Red Hood is too scary, same with Batgirl, and the most recent Robin is a psychopath. Agent A is just a rumour, Catwoman wouldn't call it 'our' secret base, and i hAvE a fEEliNg ThAt ReD rObIn TyPeS LiKe tHiS.

 _Who the hell would type like that? And thanks for that stellar assessment of my family, Piper._

You're welcome, Nightwing.

 _...so, I have a fine ass, do I?_

I think I made that quite clear earlier. I think a better question would be: so, you read my blog, do you?

 _Well I drew the Rogues for keeping the Batcave logs updated._

You just enjoy it, don't you.

 _...yeah, the Ivy one was pretty funny. You should've stayed out of Gotham._

And you should mind your own business.

...

Wait, don't go! Look, sorry, that was rude. Just...are the other Rogues okay?

 _You're too cute. And yeah, of course they're okay. We're the good guys, remember?_

That's pretty hard to remember when you're all out to get us for doing nothing wrong.

 _Touché. Okay, now to the reason I'm here, and I'm sure this will come off as way too chalant to uphold my reputation as a badass, but whatever. What the heck did you say to Kid Flash when he came to check on you? He hasn't cracked a joke, smiled, or eaten anything in five and a half hours! It's a disaster, heavy on the dis._

Fucking good.

 _Hey, I thought you two were friends?_

'Friends' don't help the Justice Morons to cart off other friends and their family when they've done nothing wrong, and then lock up said friend in a tiny freaking cell!

 _Ah._

Yeah, 'ah'.

 _He's fighting your corner though. Him and Flash. Every time Supes or Wonder Woman or whoever suggest locking you up forever or sending all the Rogues to Belle Reve or stopping you ever creating music/sound again, they're ripping them to shreds._

 _..._

 _Hey, you okay? You look like you're hyperventilating on the cameras._

That sounds...horrific. Please don't let them do that.

 _Which one?_

Any of them. Please.

 _I'll see what I can do. Actually, scratch that. I'll get you out myself._

Really?

 _KF will try whatever I say, so I might as well come along to make sure he doesn't get caught._

Thanks. Sorry about the ass comments.

 _Nah, I'm good with those. Boosts my ego, y'know? Your ass is nice too by the way_. _Noticed you shaking it on the Video That Saved the World._

You sure you're straight? ;) And my video has an unofficial title already?

 _No, I'm not sure. And I came up with that one myself._

You should do a press conference and announce it as the official name.

 _Please, have you ever seen a Bat do a press conference? There aren't nearly enough shadows to lurk ominously in._

Is that why every time I see Batman in the sunlight, he looks extraordinarily pissed off?

 _Nope, that's just his face._

*fist bump*

 _*fist bump*_

I like the way you destroy the language.

 _I'm improving it, not destroying it ( I'm troying it?). And I like the way you massacre superheroes' codenames._

I'm not massacring them, I'm improving them.

 _...I walked right into that one._

Yes, yes you did.

 _Hold on, Batman's clocked that I'm on my phone. Initiating avoidance tactic 3.7._

Avoidance tactic 3.7?

 _I legged it to the bathroom._

Smooth Nightwing, real smooth. Like sandpaper.

 _It's Batman._

True, true. ...can you get me any updates?

 _Not after Batman saw me. I'll be on chore duty for a month, and cleaning up Bl_ ü _dhaven after the invasion will take up all my free time as it is._

Please dude, this is potentially the end of my life here.

 _...hold on. Red?_

Yeah, Wing?

 _(Told you he didn't talk like that). Red, I want you to meet the Pied Piper. Piper, meet my little brother, Red Robin._

Yo.

Wing, you're gonna get me killed.

 _Just give us a quick meeting update?_

No way. And 'us'? He's a supervillain!

Please? This is my family and my life you're debating.

...Green Lantern and Green Arrow are weighing in on Flash's side. Wonder Woman and Superman aren't happy about that, as it's making the Flashes' argument look a lot less biased. We're basically waiting for Bats to say something.

 _He's the deciding vote?_

Think so.

God, I'm fucked.

I wouldn't be so sure. Listen, I'm sure this was great and everything, but I gotta go. Everyone I could be texting is either in the room or 'in the bathroom', so I'm getting funny looks. Red Robin out.

...Nightwing?

 _Yeah?_

Didn't want to say it in front of the kid but... I don't wanna die.

 _You won't. That options not even on the table._

If you lock me up forever, I'll go out of my mind. If you send me to Belle Reve, the other inmates will kill me for my sexuality. If you take my music from me, I'll shoot myself in the head.

 _Would you take over the world though, if you could?_

That was a bit random. And the answer is no. Rogues have rules, and we keep them. They aren't negotiable. Plus, if I took over the world, I couldn't rob banks, fight the Fast Bastards or get drunk on Fridays. And I'm not doing paperwork, even if the world does depend on it.

 _And that's all I needed. Well done Piper, you just secured yourself a ticket out of here._

...you fucking prick. This was a set up, wasn't it?

 _Yup. The meeting about your fate did happen a few hours ago though. Batman's casting vote was to see what you would say._

Then thanks. But also fuck you. God, that just really screwed with my emotions.

 _I couldn't tell from you scowling murderously and laughing hysterically at the same time._

Sarcasm is bad for the soul.

 _Are you gonna publish this?_

Now, whyever would I do that? ;)


End file.
